Bossy (Tips for stopping bossy behavior)
Preschoolers can be very bossy. They have big ideas running through their minds and they want things done just exactly right. They tend to be egocentric. They want others to play the way they want to play, and they struggle to take “no” for an answer. Just this morning I walked into the playroom to hear Riley declare, “If Liam won’t play my way then I’m NOT playing!” as she stormed out.Adults can be bossy too, but adults know when to back down. Adults recognize when things are not working out and they form a new plan. When preschoolers are in bossy mode, they have difficulty moving beyond their own immediate needs.
Most preschoolers have moments of bossiness, but some have dominant personalities. This can lead to more consistent bossy behavior.
Telltale signs of a “bossy” preschooler include: Telling other kids that they do things wrong, having difficulty waiting for a turn (more often than not), disagreeing with rules (and often creating new rules), focusing on winning, and interrupting often.
Personality can certainly contribute to bossiness, but there are other factors that cause young children to act bossy as well: Trying to gain some control, limit testing, attention seeking, and copying the behavior of another child or an adult can all result in bossiness.
The good news is that bossy kids tend to be bright, gifted, and creative. The bad news is that, the older they get, they can tend to become isolated if the bossy behavior continues. No one likes to be bossed around all of the time.
Parents of bossy kids need to be on high alert for bossy behavior and work on ways to help their kids negotiate with others.
Below are some tips to help you help your child stop bossing:
1. Set clear rules: Bossy kids love to take over the enforcement of rules in their home. They might even add to the list of rules without your consent. Set a few clear rules and post them all over the house. Kids respond well to visuals. Post them in the play area, kitchen, and bedrooms. Enforce rules swiftly and without debate. If you provide an opening, a bossy child will talk until her needs are met. State the rule and move on.
2. Be the boss: Your children should know that you are in charge. You want to avoid over-controlling, as this shows children that bossy is better, but they do need to know that you set and enforce the rules. Use a calm, firm voice (avoid shouting) when enforcing rules. Don’t allow children to enforce the rules for each other. Liam is fond of yelling out the rules when he’s been wronged (regardless of the fact that one of the rules is “no yelling”). I always remind him that mommy and daddy are in charge.
3. Practice mutual respect: We don’t allow our kids to yell at us, yet sometimes we yell at them. Sure, in times of danger a raised voice is sometimes what is required. Otherwise, try to model behavior that you want your child to learn. Apologize when you make a mistake and keep your voice firm but calm when correcting behaviors. Avoid humiliation when correcting bossy behavior in a group setting. Pull your child aside and point out specifics followed by examples of more appropriate ways to handle the situation. It’s tempting to say, “Stop being bossy” but that doesn’t help your child understand where she went wrong (she might not recognize her behavior as bossy). Be specific with both the behaviors and the solutions.
4. Provide choices: Often times children become bossy in an attempt to gain some control over their lives. It’s difficult to have very limited choices. Allow your children to choose their clothing as much as possible (mine choose every day). Provide choices when it comes to food, chores, and other daily activities. Liam tends to shut down when he feels like he’s being hurried through his morning jobs list. When I say, “would you rather brush your teeth first or get dressed first?” he gets back on track. Give them some control when you can.
5. Say yes: Have you ever heard “no” all day long? Me neither. But I suspect that it’s probably fairly deflating. Preschoolers are always being told what to do, and they are always following rules. Say yes to their requests whenever possible. It helps them feel heard and gives them a sense of control. Just today I sat back and watched as Riley poured her entire water bottle over her toy horses to give them a bath at the kitchen table. She had fun and she helped me clean up after. No harm done. Say yes sometimes.
7. Act it out: Preschoolers love to role-play. They get to use those active imaginations! Have a puppet show where one character is bossy. Have the puppets work on negotiation. Role-play specific scenarios with your child. Have her play both the bossy kid and the one who is bossed around. Do a role reversal: Allow your child to be you for fifteen minutes. She gets to make and enforce the rules, choose the meals, and run the show. It will probably be fairly eye opening.
8. Play for fun: Bossy kids love to win and can become overly focused on who is “winning” at all times. When playing games, focus on enjoying the game. Make comments about how much fun you’re having while playing together. Avoid asking who won; instead ask who had fun. Bossy kids need to learn that winning isn’t everything.
Bossy behavior can be frustrating for parents. Like I said, no one wants to be bossed around. The best way to help your child is to be aware and jump in to help so that she can learn which behaviors are bossy and how to change them. Bossiness can’t be cured overnight, but the sooner you start the sooner your child will learn to play fair with others.
